This Year

 You would think this post is about Covid but it's not, except for the last sentence. This is a post about suddenly realizing your on the downhill part of your life. I'm 58 this year and for some reason it's hit me hard. Suddenly I see all the things I didn't accomplish in my life:

    Finding lasting love

    Clean house

    A career (although this one really doesn't bother me, but it should)

    I never became a psychologist, which is what I always wanted to be. Too expensive so I thought being a     bartender would get me those interactions. It did but also a lot of sad sad stories and drunk men wanting     to date me. Which is probably why #1 never happened.

    I feel like I didn't give my children the life they needed.

    Right now I feel like I no longer can make a difference, like life is over somehow. I'm now old. 

    I've dated all the wrong men. All of them. They all had some kind of issue that made for a short term           relationship. Why? They basically all had one or two of the same issues and I tolerated them for too            long.   

    I hate my house and I wished I lived somewhere much smaller but my house now is too big to fix, so it     falls apart around me.

I used to be the biggest Pollyanna in the world. The optimist, I was actually the president of the Optimist Club!

Why do I feel this way? Why do I feel like my life is over, I don't want to, I believe if you think something long enough it becomes reality! 

Stupid Covid I've gained a lot of weight too!

A Thousand To-Do Lists

 

I AM a slob. The perfectionist part I use as an excuse. When you home is a mess you are surrounded by a thousand to-do lists. It's unsettling and is constant guilt and nasty self-talk. 

I see the mess I just can't seem to do anything. I'm frozen. They say perfectionist are like this, they don't want to start because they might mess it up. 

I've read all the books. Messies Anonymous, Sparking Joy, and so many more. One of my favorite shows...Hoarding. It makes me feel better...no it really does....seriously. I'm not that bad is a constant soundtrack in my brain.

I'm noticing I don't see problems.  I have to stumble upon something, I see it for the first time and it's ohhh when did that happen. Do I do anything? Nope. 

I have to get this changed. I have no peace in my home. If I do anything that is not cleaning, which you've probably figured out I don't clean, the guilt is horrible. 

NO PEACE IS NO WAY TO LIVE.